as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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