I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
