i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
