just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
