Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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