If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
