I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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