I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
