I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
