Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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