I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
