it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Who died my cat blue again?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
