I just pynch a tree in the face
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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