my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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