They should really pass out barf bags in church
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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