if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
