I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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