***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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