Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
