Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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