I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
