I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
