Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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