I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
