Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
