I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
