I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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