At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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