I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
