Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
