My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
