I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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