I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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