i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
