i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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