just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
ugly people sure do ruin things
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
