So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Soap is not a condiment
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
