I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
