I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
