five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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