I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
