just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
