I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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