I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
