how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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