You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
