Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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