Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
