My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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