I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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