he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
