jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
